In the first few days after our first child was born, I felt closer to my husband than perhaps at any other point in our relationship. We had been married seven years before we had our first child, and we dated for three years before that. Deciding when to have a baby was a difficult decision for me especially. We had such a nice set-up when it was just the two of us. We could spend loads of time together, go to the gym together, travel together, take 3-hour naps together on a Sunday afternoon. Basically, we could do whatever, whenever and just enjoy being with one another. We knew we wanted to have kids, but we also knew our time together would change as a result. And it certainly has. In the midst of the chaos of raising kids, I think back to those first days after our son was born and that closeness that I felt. I realize just how much stress raising young kids can add to a relationship. Don’t get me wrong; we are still very much in love and enjoy one another’s company, but having to constantly tend to the three people living with us can really wear us out, make us snippy and long for those lazy Sunday afternoons.
Esther Altman wrote a post for Parent Savers (a site I also blog for) called “Is Two Children Enough?” In it, she describes how she and her husband had children very early on in their relationship. They didn’t get those vacations and downtime that my husband and I got. Now, they have a toddler and a baby, and are uncertain of whether they will have more children. I couldn’t help but relate as she told about the stress of daily life. At one point she wondered, “Maybe we are an anomaly, but having children has added stress to our marriage.” An anomaly? Not at all. At least not to me, my friends and the other harried parents I see around me.
Whether you wait seven years or seven months to bring a child into your relationship, a little person will add stress. Dynamics will change. Your life and your relationship will not be solely your own. That’s not to say that the little one should be the center of the universe, but they do demand time and attention. And I must confess, there are moments when I’m elbow deep in diapers and exhausted from an interrupted night’s sleep that I long for one of those three-hour naps. Or, to hop on a plane and head to a warm beach at a moment’s notice. Or, to just sit with my husband without being mentally and physically exhausted, and just enjoy one another’s company.
How did having kids affect your relationship?
